Inner Light Outer Peace Yoga Blog

Today is Earth Day. Honestly I think we should be aware and love Earth every day so forgive me for not writing some blissed out, flowery tribute to the ultimate Mother.

Today I was very angry.

Mother’s have many roles. Sometimes it is a mother’s job to nourish, feed, shelter and support. Sometimes her job is to hold space for childish tantrums and to hug you after you’re done raging.

Grrr.

This morning I was faced with two major conflicts; one in my personal life that has brewed for so long that damage is something I must work on healing every day. The other is a professional issue that has been slowly coming to a boil and needs to be addressed before any damage is done.

Generally it takes a lot to make me angry however, the last 24 hours brought me quickly to my own boiling point. Leaving the studio this morning, I felt that ugly monster called rage rising up from the bowels. Yes, I think it must come from the bowels because anger is waste. Just like poop is valid, my anger was also valid. However, I am not so naturally inclined to expel my toxic emotions as I am last night’s dinner.

Grrr.

So what’s a peace loving Yogini to do?

I could have worked out my frustrations on the mat, sweated, twisted, stretched and exhaled my anger, right?

No. My mat and practice is a sacred space. I already spent too much time in my life in the vicous circle of releasing anger from my mind unto my body and back again.

Grrr.

Then wisdom surfaced from some hidden light in my mind.

“______ grant me the power to accept the things I can not change…” (Insert your own here, some options might be: God, Shiva, Jesus, Logic, Science, Spaghetti Monster, Love, Jah, Allah, Mohammad, Chocolate…)

It is the practice of surrendering to Grace (read about that here) AKA Ishwar-Pranidhana, AKA one of the 12 steps. It is acceptance of what is out of our control.

It is to understand there are things greater than ourselves. It should not take Earth Day for us to feel the power of nature.

So, I settled into the Niyama (yogic practice of non-restraint) and tried to surrender to thinkgs like, everything really is exactly as it should be’ and ‘have faith in the order of things’ and bla bla bla!

Grrrr!

Then it dawned on me, my boyfriend and I just shared our ideas and feelings about this. I feel this practice does not mean to roll over and allow tragic and terrible things to occur around me, it does not mean to turn a blind eye. It does not mean to be passive.

Instead, for me, it means to acknowledge crisis, conflict or despair, accept our own responsibility and often our lack of control so that we can then behave and take action in a way that is compassionate and thoughtful.

Bam! I realized my anger was just a front for feeling powerless!

It so happens that both conflicts have arisen in my roles as caretaker. In my desire to protect my loved ones and my Yoga community, I stand in a passive defense but have stood too long as some things which are completely out of my control happened as well as some things that I actually do have the power to change.

Sometimes the act of surrendering to grace is to surrender and be passive.

Other times it is to surrender to our own power and our own responsibility to be right change in the world.

Human beings are survivors and to survive we must grow, we must endure and we must sometimes press right into resistance and challenge.

Great realization, right? Yes, but I was still feeling the anger. Grrr.

So what did this Yogini do?

I planted flowers!

I spent several years in a very dark and angry state. Among other things I was angry that I never knew a mother’s love. Again, not being inclined to express anger, it grew wild inside me but for some leakages that my boyfriend absorbed, thankfully he has the resilience of a mountain. Ultimately, I became violent to myself but as a human and a survivor I had to press on until I found a path to healing.

I eventually learned skills for dealing with my explosive emotions and spent much time wondering if someone else in my life could provide me with this fundamental experience of motherly love. My children? My therapist? My Boyfriend? My Yoga teachers? No and that made me angry too.

One day at Kripalu center, my body sprawled out on the lawn, I acknowledged that my mother had been stone cold as a result of her own pain (outside my control), I accepted that this was something I could never change (also outside my control) and I grieved, I sobbed, my back heaving into the grass. I surrendered and let go of wishing I would ever have a mother.

When the grief subsided, I felt a deep sense of calm. I felt the afternoon warmth of the ground under me. I remembered hiding and happily retreating to the woods as a small child, walking barefoot in the grass as a teenager, eating wild black berries for lunch in my twenties, and at 30 feeling an ocean breeze dry my tears when my mother died.

In that moment it was in my power to accept the Earth as my mother. So I did. And that day she held my body close as I learned how to surrender to my loss and then take back my power and accept another kind of mother.

A few days ago, I picked up some Lily of the Valley, Clematis and Columbine at Grade A. Poor things sat there in the box al these days. Digging my hands into the rich Spring soil, carving out a new home for these hardy roots with delicate sprouts connected me with something larger than myself. The smell of the dirt was soothing. The Lily’s needed to go 12 inches deep. Tearing out old dead roots and casting aside stones for the sake of the sprout made me feel powerful and compassionate. Looking up close at the miniature microcosms of ants and worms and tiny plantlings made me feel so big. Yet putting my hand twelve inches into the earth reminded of how small I truly am. Zoom way out and I am just another bit of cosmic dust that happens to have collided and have friction with some other bits of dust.

Once my perspective had adjusted, the exaggerated enormity of my problems deflated very quickly to a realistic and manageable size. It felt almost impossible to not take back my power and behave with compassion and thought toward right action. Doesn’t mean it is easy, I will have to press on into the challenge but hey, baby steps will lead me to resolution now that I have given up my anger at that which was out of my control.

Good old Mother Earth, love her today and everyday, treat her kindly and let her hold you close sometimes.

Thanks Mom.